Entry #5: They Saved Hitler's Brain

Release Date: August 18, 1968
Budget: N/A

On the night of the rapture, my dear friends and I spent our last night of non-zombie terror watching They Saved Hitler's Brain.  Much to my surprise, neither the awfulness of this movie or the predicted rapture decimated the earth, but I'm certain that our viewing of Hitler's Brain came closer.  I'm glad I'm alive, but I am now a little dumber and sadder after watching this movie.

Hitler's Brain brings up a real moral dilemma for me in this project:  it is by far the most non-sequitur, stupid, mish-mished, poorly filmed, steaming pile of crap of a movie that I have watched so far.  It's not cute-stupid, funny-campy, ridiculous-poor; it just sucks.  However, if I give it a -10, I will have to watch it again and so will you and I just don't feel like I can do that to you, as loyal followers, and friends.  Before I make my decision on a rating, let's dissect this rotting-fetal-pig of a movie, and maybe in the meantime I'll be able to resolve my moral conflict:

At a 40,000 foot level, I'm not really sure what this movie is about.  At a 30,000 foot level, it appears to be about Nazi's who smuggled Hitler's head out of Germany at the end of WWII to the South American country of Mandoras.  After taking a break from death mongering, Hitler's head finally comes out of the shadows in the mid 60's to unleash a lethal gas upon the world, reaffirming everyone's notion that Hitler's head is an asshole, despite not having one.  From a 10,000 foot level this movie is undecipherable and confusing; you can't think too much about it because it barely makes sense.  Do yourself a favor and watch it from a respectable distance or with plenty of beer (if you do decide to watch it).

Granted, the Hop Strike was flowing plenty well last Saturday, but the plot of this movie makes Creeping Terror looks well thought out.  Somewhere in there is a formula for the deadly gas, an antidote, a kidnapping of a doctor who made the antidote, and it all is supposed to tie back to Hitler's head's master plan of killing everyone... except the Nazis?  I think....        Somewhere in there too our protagonist, Phil, haphazardly bumbles his way to Mandoras to sort of save the world, unbenknownst to him (ala Buttons misguided attempts to keep Mindy out of trouble).  We had to pause the movie on several occasions and have a round table discussion on what was going on but I don't think it helped.  I've even scoured the Internet looking for a semi-plausible summary based on what I saw, but even the Internets is confused. 

One of the most awful things about this movie is that TV executives hired UCLA film students about 10 years after the original filming to patch in an additional 20 minutes of extra footage in order to be able to show it on TV.  The students did a poor job.  Not only did they cobble together additional plot lines that further confuse an already terrible plot, but the footage is obviously from a different time period: one minute it's blazers, short haircuts, and nerdy glasses and the next it's free loving hippies with long hair and porn-staches, driving VW bugs.  I don't think the extra footage killed this movie, but it certainly didn't help.. sort of like a bird pooping on your plate when you're already having a poo picnic.

There are so many things wrong with this movie, but some of my favorites are:
- It sounds like they hired Vince Gauraldi to play some of the theme music, which would not be my first choice for a movie about Hitler's head trying to destroy the world.
- The Nazi's in the UCLA students' footage look like Italian mobsters, which is an interesting disguise/contradiction/gaff.
- The writers clearly hated women:  1) after the 70's add-in detective Vic meets his new partner, Toni, and is surprised to find out she is a female he delivers the totally non-chauvinistic quip: "I didn't realize that you were a woman";  2) one of the super secret Nazi double agents (I think) arrives home to find his spouse making him a drink and tells her, in a very loving way: "With a wife like you, who needs a girlfriend".  Stay classy Nazis.   
-  All of these bad movies seem to work in a crazy dance scene and Hitler's Brain is no exception.  A ways into the movie, we find a woman, Suzanne, who was supposedly kidnapped for some reason partying it up in a club that Phil and his wife stumble their way into in Mandoras... and man can she shake her stuff.  I half expected the Creeping Terror to slowly wander into the club and slowly eat everyone at this point, but no dice.. we have to keep watching. 

Ultimately, Hitler's head tries to unleash his plan from a jar inside a Nazi car, but a gaggle of idiots from various unintelligence agencies somehow save the day and Hitler's head melts in car crash fire (yes, melts...)

I have no other choice, I have to give They Saved Hitler's Brain a -10 to maintain the integrity of this project and to be able to sleep at night.   I will to watch it again, in a sort-of bad movie run off with The Creeping Terror and whatever else gets a -10 from here on out to determine a final "winner", but rest assured, as your friend, I will find a way to rationalize not making you watch this movie. There HAS TO BE some redeeming qualities here and I will find them.

Fuck you, Hitler.